My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
You Might Also Like
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.