I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
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Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting