How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
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When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
all bases covered
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.