My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
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I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano