Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
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[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
I occasionally drink every single night.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?