Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
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my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
classic mixup
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.