Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
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Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight