My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
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therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
True statement👍😏😁