I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
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(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen