My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
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Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
OMG 🤣🤣
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”