I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
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me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.