Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
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waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
it be like that
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.