THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
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“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
i want to work in this restaurant
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming