Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
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We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.