I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
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If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
(Jupiter –
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars