I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
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Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
that de-escalated quickly
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I think my mom just blocked me
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…