Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
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H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
The struggle is real.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.