Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
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me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
12. I think about this all the damn time
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!