Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
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Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Legend 🤣🤣
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Why is this me 😫