I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
You Might Also Like
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Wednesday
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?