ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
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“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
The days of good grammer has went
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Tremendous stuff
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻