Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
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“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes