Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
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*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
How does one answer this?
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
unbelievably distressed by this ad
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Simple