spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
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Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.