It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
You Might Also Like
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
🤔😂😂
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals