I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
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Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.