[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
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First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Green is just blue that someone peed in
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”