My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
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FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?