Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
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A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
*ernest hemingway voice*
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”