For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
You Might Also Like
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER