If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
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My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
they really do be looking like this
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom