Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
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A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
🙋♀️
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.