What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
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You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.