I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
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79.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]