me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
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Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
But I really needed water water water
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
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Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.