I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
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co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.