Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
You Might Also Like
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.