*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
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If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆