I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
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Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!