I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
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Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.