Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
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My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years