Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
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Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
[shakes fist at other fist]
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok