[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
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Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Still my favourite meme.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted