“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
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Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8