*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
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[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Need this in my life lol
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”