so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
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Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge