by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
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Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.