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What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
nature’s most graceful animal