The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
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I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
the best thing i’ve ever made
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.