1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
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It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen